When I worked with teenagers, I observed that girls whose sense of identity seemed closely linked to their appearance, were the most vulnerable to unhealthy relationships with boys. If being pretty is what defines one, how can one be certain of one's beauty? The approval of boys.
When I had a daughter of my own, I started fretting about all the many ways I could mess her up--and this was one of my top concerns. Despite my awareness of the pitfalls and good intentions, we've fallen into the pretty-trap.
The Pretty-Trap
As her hair has grown longer, combing it has become more and more of a chore. Despite a detangler spray, it seems to be an uncomfortable procedure. To the inevitable whining, "No!!" when she sees us coming with the comb, we'd fallen into saying things like . . .
- We have to comb your hair so it will look pretty.
- Don't you want your hair to look pretty?
- Your hair needs to look pretty so we can leave for church.
And really, what's the lesson we're teaching her? Being pretty is so important that it's worth subjecting oneself to the unpleasantness of hair combing.
I knew we were doing it. I knew it was bad. I didn't realize how bad until one day I was combing her hair so that she could go with Papa to help his friend Scott jump his dead battery. As I combed her hair she said, "I'm dunna ast Stotty is my hair looks pwetty."
Oh, how I cringed. Not only have I taught her that pretty is important, but she's already seeking validation of her prettiness from men.
Rethinking My Parenting Goals
About this same time, I'd been working my way through a book by Tedd Tripp entitled Shepherding a Child's Heart. While I have some major points of disagreement with him, his writing his been incredibly thought-provoking. In an early chapter, he works through common parenting goals (developing special skills, psychological adjustment, well-behaved children, good education, etc) and explains why they are unbiblical as primary parenting goals.
His conclusion: there is only one worthy biblical goal to serve not only as our primary parenting objective, but as the focus of our life. It is the answer to the first question of the Shorter Catechism.
Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.
I knew all along that pretty wasn't a goal compatible with a biblical world view (I Peter 3:3-4 Your adornment must not be merely external), but having this set before me really helped me focus my thoughts.
So . . .From a Biblical World View, Why Should a Toddler Comb Her Hair?
Having rejected "pretty" as a goal and refocused on my true goal--glorifying God and enjoying him forever--I'm left with the conundrum: when I emerge with the comb and Sis runs the other way squealing, what do I say?
So here it is for now: "Sis, God gave us our bodies. It's our job to take good care of them. Combing your hair is part of taking good care of your body."
It doesn't roll of the tongue quite like " . . . so you'll look pretty!" but it's what I'm going with for now.
Am I over thinking this? Is there a better way to put it in toddler terms?
I Corinthians 6:19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?
Thank you for posting this!! I worry about how to raise my girl without making "pretty " a life goal. She is outwardly beautiful and already I know her inside is even more beautiful and I want people to see that side of her as well. I think that comes from girls knowing that the inside beauty is more important than the outside beauty.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely gives me a good way to state things without the focus being on beauty.
It's so difficult in our culture isn't it? Thinking this through and writing it out has really helped me think more carefully about the casual things I say. :)
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